AdoptNeed.com

• Adoption Planning and Matching: Triad as Extended Family
  If you're just getting started, you first need to think about what sort of match is right for you. As discussed on our Emotional Adjustments page, your adoption's "triad" (birth parents + adoptees + adoptive parents) is best thought of as an extended family. Family "planning" doesn't always go where you intend to go, but start by thinking about what sort of extended family you would like to see forming for your adoption triad. Remember that adoption means blending factors in Three Major Categories. Your plan for any one of them affects your plans for the other two, and you should understand how all three categories are going to mesh for you before you take any action. So consider all of the issues below that are relevant to your situation, not just the ones that are discussed higher on the page.



• The "Cost" of Finding a "Priceless" Match
  Adoption's issues are bigger than any price you can put on parenthood, of course, but expenses do have to be addressed, so a link frequently appears below that will take you to our Discussion of Legal Fees.

• Helping Birth Parents and Children
  Do you want to help birth parents and children who live near you? Or in another state? Or in another country?
  
  
  • Adoption Isn't Just Helping Yourself, It's Helping Others, Too
    (Note that these questions ask you to think about helping birth parents and children, not specifically about "your" adoption. Some pre-adoptive parents are, understandably, tired and frustrated. They just want a clean, simple way to add children to their families --- no worries, no complications. Understandable, yes, but it doesn't usually happen that way. Adoption usually involves intensely emotional and painful problems for at least one family, and often for two families. Adoption can be a solution to those problems, but the emotions and the pain cannot be ignored. Sooner or later, most adoptive parents have to face these issues, sometimes in unexpected ways. Our Emotional Adjustments page explores these issues more.)
  
  
• Helping Around the World
  If international adoption interests you, do you want an international adoption that connects to the "home country" of your ancestors? Or to a country where the need for adoption is great? Or to a country you already feel connected to for other reasons?



• Helping Orphans
  Some pre-adoptive parents will want to reach out to a child who is truly an orphan. (True orphans are more common in less developed countries than in the United States.) For some, part of this motivation may be avoiding any possible friction with a birth family. Even so, you should prepare yourself to address the emotional problems the child may develop from having been orphaned. Most adopted children have "lost" one or both parents in some sense, and that hurts, even if they have no personal recollections about it.



• Reaching Over National and Racial Boundaries
  Another issue you will want to consider (for both domestic and international adoption) is whether you would be comfortable having a child of a different nationality than you. Or a different race? Will you be comfortable being stared at every time you go shopping with the child? Not everyone has --- or needs to have --- the special sort of patience this requires, but it can be a great chance to model how tough love can and should transcend all boundaries, even racial ones. And would you be comfortable helping the child deal with being a different nationality or race than the rest of your family? Or the other kids in the classroom? (This doesn't mean getting angry on your child's behalf. Some people enjoy being righteously indignant, at presumed racial prejudice, for example. That reaction may be understandable, but in the end, it teaches the child that anger is just fine if a good ideological excuse is handy. People will naturally be confused and curious about how children of a different race fit into a family, and getting angry at them isn't going to solve anything.)



• Cost Differences Between Domestic and International Adoption
  In general, the cost-to-you for domestic adoptions covers a wider range than the cost of international adoptions. On average, international adoptions do cost more; and when the Hague Convention takes effect in the U.S. in mid-2008, those adoptions are likely to cost even more. But there are private and government benefits available to reduce the costs of all types of adoption, so don't rule out anything based on cost alone. Domestic adoptions start from as little as: FREE! (The child may even be eligible for a monthly benefit check until age 18.) But domestic agency adoptions can balloon up to over $35,000, too. International adoptions can get that high too, of course, but with some effort on your part, grants, subsidies and tax credits can reduce the total cost of international adoption to well below $10,000. See our Financial Help section for more on these issues.



• International Adoption: Ethics and Costs
  One reason international adoption costs can run up is black market practices in foreign countries, with scams ranging from health issues to out-and-out baby-selling. Our observation has also been that the country that is least expensive today will probably be the next one to come under investigation for some kind of wrongdoing. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• Why Is This Listed So High in This Discussion?
  Include kids with special needs in your adoption planning for two reasons. First, adoption is . . . "special" already. If you are already responding to the needs that adoption addresses, why not consider all the needs that are out there? Second, if funds are tight, keep in mind that a willingness to take on a child with greater needs usually reduces the cost of the adoption.



• What Are "Special Needs"?
  For adoption purposes, "special needs" includes any category of kids who are less likely to be adopted. That means not just kids with physical, mental, and emotional issues, but also minorities, older kids, and sibling groups.



• Georgia's DFCS definition of "special needs":
  "A child with special needs is ( 1 ) any child eight years of age or older; ( 2 ) any child of black heritage who is one year of age or older; ( 3 ) members of a sibling group of three or more to be placed together; ( 4 ) members of a sibling group of two where one is over the age of eight or has another special need; and ( 5 ) any child with documented physical, emotional or mental problems or limitations."



• Again, Don't Just Help Yourself, Help Others
  So the question to ask yourself here is more like: Are you able to help a special child who may not get a home otherwise? Or is it enough of a calling and challenge to adopt a healthy, domestic infant of the same ethnicity? Special needs adoption is not for everyone, but a greater challenge yields a greater reward --- ask any parent who has loved such a child.



• Quicker, Less Expensive
  It can be quicker and less expensive than other adoptions, and in many cases, it is FREE. For example, the Lutheran Services of Georgia Heritage Adoption Program waives ALL agency fees. In addition, a great deal of grant assistance is available for families adopting children with Down syndrome at Reece’s Rainbow, and especially for families adopting older such children from abroad: Older Child Prayer List and Grant Fund. Adopting a child through Georgia's DFCS (Department of Family and Children Services) system is also usually covered by federal adoption assistance. For more information on these options, see the Agencies: Public section of our Forms & Resource Guide page, and the Financial Help section there, too. But again, there's no "right" answer, only the answer that's right for you. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• Another Thing to Face Early
  Even the term "open adoption" scares some people. To make an adoption plan, you need to be honest, with yourself and those around you, about your feelings on openness in adoption. And we repeat again, there's no "right" answer, only the answer that's right for you. Everything in your plan will affect everything else --- nothing will operate in a vacuum --- but if everything else allows it, openness in adoption is better than secrecy. So let's look at this issue.



• How "Open" is "Open"?
  How much distance do you want between the birth and adoptive families? How comfortable are you with the idea of a relationship with the other members of the triad? Some people just can't cope with it at all, and forcing it on them can be unwise or even dangerous. Others are willing to try, but only after the child gets past a certain age. For some, regular pictures and written updates are enough, and yet for many these days, total openness seems as natural as breathing --- starting with having the adoptive parents in the delivery room for the birth.



• Curiosity Is Natural, Not Rebellious
  If the adopted child does not know birth family members early in life, there's a good chance curiosity will develop about them later. Many adoptees decide they want to meet birth family members. If the triad has a good relationship from the start, this won't be a problem, or it will be much easier to deal with. So you may want to try extending your willingness to form a triad relationship. But once again, your answers need only be right for you.



• Familiarity Breeds . . . Comfort, Actually
  The worry with open adoption is that the other triad members will be troublesome or unpleasant to deal with. But consider these analogous relationships:
  
  
  • Annoying Neighbors
    Fearing neighbors we don't know is almost always worse than dealing with neighbors we do know. When we don't know our neighbors, we can grow to fear them by imagining bad things about them that aren't even true. But when we get to know them, our fear of the unknown fades away into the practical task of working together.
    
    
  • Irritating In-Laws
    Getting along with irritating in-laws doesn't mean being best friends --- it just means focusing on the love you share for someone who is close to your heart.


• You Already Know How to Do This
  In other words, triads are similar to relationships we already have. Relationships require work, but it is usually worth it for the rewards they offer.



• All Parenting Is Work, But Unpredictable Too
  And remember also that ALL parents face sticky questions. Children raise issues parents would rather not face. There's only one way to face these problems: Head on, but with flexibility --- with understanding, but within a firm framework of priorities and self-knowledge. No matter how you feel about openness going into adoption, the other people involved may take you some place you didn't expect to go --- maybe even some place they didn't expect to go!



• More Information
  There is more about this on our Emotional Adjustments page.

• Some Terminology
  Just to be sure these terms aren't confusing, "independent" adoption refers to adopting without an agency being involved. "Public" and "private" adoptions are both "agency" adoptions. A "public" adoption means adopting through the Department of Family and Children Services, or its equivalent --- different states have different names. Children in the DFCS system have usually been taken from unfit parents. They desperately need homes, but obviously, not every pre-adoptive parent is a good match for this kind of adoption. And a "private" adoption is one arranged by a private agency. (Some private agencies these days partner with DFCS, and defining exactly what type of adoption those are can get very technical.)



• Cost Can Be Decisive
  The most dramatic difference between biological and adoptive parenthood is the "startup" cost. Adoptive parents generally bear all of adoption's expenses, so this is a big part of their search for a match. Many pre-adoptive parents struggle with how much assistance they can afford in finding a match: an adoption agency, a networker, a facilitator, or looking for an independent adoption (which means doing everything themselves).



• International Adoption: Use a Good Agency
  If international adoption is your choice, working with a good international agency is STRONGLY recommended. (International adoption is occasionally done independently, but it requires good, knowledgeable, and trustworthy personal contacts in the foreign country.)



• Sources of Financial Help
  The tax benefits may make an agency adoption more affordable than you think. (Dollar-for-dollar tax credit for over $11,000 in expenses. Instructions on claiming the credit are here. See our Financial Help section, also.) And if your heart goes out to children who are harder to place due to past abuse or other special needs, you may be able to get federal assistance to cover all the expenses of the adoption itself, or the cost of the child's ongoing special needs, or both. Many employers offer financial assistance for adoption, and there are lots of other sources of financial help too. Family and friends have helped round up adoption expenses, and people have even been known to hold fund raisers like bake sales and car washes! There are great resources for financial assistance and tax benefits in the Financial Help portion of our Forms & Resource Guide page's Guide to Other Resources section.



• In Georgia, Only Agencies Can Give Money to Birth Parents
  Georgia birth parents who need financial help will probably want to work with an agency, because in Georgia, agencies can help with all of these expenses, but it is illegal for Georgia pre-adoptive parents to give birth parents anything other than the mother's maternity-related medical expenses. (This is another place where you want competent legal help before you break the law without even knowing you've done it.) Then again, if birth parents need financial help, Medicaid will usually be paying the maternity-related medical expenses anyway. So in these cases, adoptive parents will not be able to "compete" with agencies' ability to offer financial assistance to birth parents. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• "Do-It-Yourself" Matching --- More Control
  Finding a match in Georgia without an agency is harder, but it may be worth a try, even for pre-adoptive parents who can afford an agency. Remember, you're trying to find the match that is right for you, and the more specific your goals are, the more difficult it may be to deal with domestic agencies. (Pre-adoptive parents over 40, for example, may find that domestic agencies are hesitant to work with them. International adoption may be more of an option for them, but so is searching on their own.)



• Triads Need to Be Fully Balanced
  In recent years agencies have given birth mothers more control in selecting adoptive parents for their children. This is understandable and commendable as far as it goes, but it has reduced the role adoptive parents play in choosing the triad they are comfortable with. The best adoptive match is one that fits and works for all sides of the triad, not just one. Finding a match on your own allows you to be more involved in the process, to have more control, and usually gives you a better chance to get a "feel" about a potential match before agreeing to it. The triad has a better chance of working well together if everyone chooses each other freely in the first place.



• Bargain Basement Adoption
  If you do find your own match within Georgia, you may not need anything other than Legal Help. Such an adoption can take less than two months to complete, and the only expenses would be attorney fees, court costs, and a $250 "mini-home study."



• Other Parts of the Puzzle
  Finding a match also means clearing some legal hurdles, and each state's laws are different. In some states, birth mothers can virtually auction their children off to the highest bidder. Georgia's laws prohibit this in several ways, but this affects how matches can be made. As noted above, Georgia outlaws payments to birth parents for anything other than the birth mother's maternity-related medical expenses. Adoptions in Georgia cannot be "arranged" except by agencies licensed to do so. And it is a felony for a Georgian to advertise --- even outside Georgia --- about a specific adoption in a "public medium," unless you are a licensed adoption agency. Internet "advertising" is a gray area in this regard for now.



• So What CAN You Do?
  All of this makes it still more difficult for pre-adoptive parents in Georgia to find an adoptable child without an agency. But independent adoptions are perfectly legal, they are not that uncommon, and there are several things you can try. While you cannot run advertisements, you can "spread the word" --- at church, via your friends, your doctors and nurses, your lawyer --- via any chain of personal contacts. And there are other strategies available if you are patient enough to learn how to use them. For independent matches entirely within Georgia, we can usually handle all of the necessary legal steps. For interstate adoptions, an additional lawyer in the other state is usually necessary, and the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children ("ICPC") must be complied with.



• Agencies CAN Help
  But while finding your own match may give you more control with less expense, the many services included in agency fees are valuable benefits that shouldn't be overlooked either. One easily overlooked agency service is help dealing with adoption's emotional adjustments --- for both birth and adoptive parents. Counseling is frequently necessary to help a birth mother be more comfortable with, and follow through with, an adoption plan, and to help the adoptive family with bonding. Most adoption agencies know how to deal with these subjects, and they should not be taken lightly. And as mentioned above, Georgia's primary method of fighting "baby-selling" is to let agencies deal with birth mothers who are too interested in money prior to an adoption. Agencies are better able to deal with this issue than pre-adoptive parents who might easily lose a lot of money after another couple "outbids" them. Pre-adoptive parents in Georgia who are working without an agency need to be ready to deal with out-of-state birth mothers who are too money-conscious. This can cause some serious legal problems. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• More Flexibility: Finding Your Match, Not Just Your Agency
  A variation on private agency adoption that many prefer is using an adoption "networker". For $1,500 or so, a networker helps pre-adoptive parents find a match that fits their preferences. Everyone we know of who has used a networker has said it was worth it. They help "market" pre-adoptive parents, to both agencies and birth parents, and they have connections in the national (and even international) adoption community to help pre-adoptive couples and birth parents find each other based on the preferences and priorities of all parties. (Some can even find independent matches --- avoiding agency fees, though this obviously sacrifices the benefits agencies can offer.) The key is that their work isn’t limited to just one agency; they work towards matching a particular couple with a particular child who needs a home. It's a bit like an independent insurance agent or real estate's Multiple Listing Service: Instead of being "wedded" to a particular agency --- "putting all your eggs" into one agency --- you deal mainly with the networker until a specific match is made, and if that is acceptable to all, the pre-adoptive couple works with that particular agency and birth mother. That agency's fee still must be paid (though the networker might be able to get a discount), but it's a much more flexible arrangement.



• If It Seems Too Good to Be True . . .
  A CAVEAT TO PRE-ADOPTIVE COUPLES: The seemingly ideal balance that networkers offer is great for the short run issue of dealing with agencies. But in the long run, the adoptive match you're trying to make is really with birth parents and adoptees, not with an agency. A GOOD MATCH WITH AN AGENCY WILL PRETTY MUCH BE OVER ONCE THE ADOPTION IS FINAL; A GOOD MATCH WITH BIRTH PARENTS CAN BENEFIT BOTH FAMILIES FOR A LIFETIME. So stay tuned to this issue, no matter who you deal with.

• Independent Adoption, With Help
  "Do-it-yourselfers" don't have to do it all alone. They can get help from one or more "facilitators." "Facilitation" really just amounts to 'helping you do-it-yourself' --- "self service" instead of "full service." Not a bad thing --- but you need to know almost as much about the process as if you were doing it yourself. Facilitators are not usually governmentally regulated, there's no guarantee you'll get your money's worth from them, and in the past, many have been disreputable. In addition, even good, honest facilitators may use practices that are common in their states, but illegal in states like Georgia. For example, facilitators cannot advertise in Georgia, so Georgians working with facilitators will probably be involved in interstate adoptions. But remember, if pre-adoptive parents want to finalize their adoption in Georgia, it is a crime for them to pay a birth mother's living expenses, even if it happens in another state. And yet where this practice is legal and common, facilitators may already have made or promised such payments to their birth mothers, perhaps disqualifying them for pre-adoptive Georgians. Knowledgeable legal advice in both states is vital. Nevertheless, as the Internet plays an ever larger role in adoption, facilitators are involved in more and more Georgia adoptions. [For more on facilitators, see the Note under Facilitation Services in the Guide to Other Resources section of our Forms & Resource Guide page.]



• Open Adoption and Doing Things Yourself
  The more willing you are to have an open adoption, the more you may want to find your own match, or make limited use of a facilitator. These days, however, many adoption agencies are adept with open adoption, and some even make a specific point of catering to them (e.g., the Independent Adoption Center). They may be able to build some bridges to openness that you would have a hard time doing by yourself. See our Agencies section for more on this. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

For some, finding a match happens within their own family. If everyone agrees to work together for the child's best interests, this is a great way to strengthen your family. Relative adoptions, stepparent adoptions, and even adult adoptions, not only strengthen extended families that already exist, they are usually less complex and less expensive than third-party adoptions between unrelated families. Care must be taken, however, not to cause needless family rifts with overzealous efforts to terminate rights to children. If a child is close with an adult that other family members seek to terminate, both the child and the terminated adult will resent even an otherwise successful adoption. See more about this in the Note about contested adoptions on our Legal Steps page.

• Time and Cost of Adoption Within the Family
  Uncontested adoption of a stepchild, relative, or adult child can usually be completed in about two months, and court and attorney fees will probably be your only expenses. For adoption within the family, your next step is learning about the emotional adjustments, then taking the necessary legal steps. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• Strengthen Your New Family
  Stepparent adoptions are very common these days --- usually a stepfather adopting a stepchild. It is a great way to show commitment, both to the marriage and to the child. Children often yearn to be legally allowed to use the last name of a man they already think of as "Daddy." If you are having school registration issues, we can address those with your child's school and assure them that the adoption proceeding is underway.



• What If a Non-Custodial Adult Opposes the Adoption?
  As with any adoption, if an adult with rights to the child opposes it, it may not be allowed to go forward (unless that adult can be proven in court to be unfit --- more on that in a moment.) Care should be taken not to cause needless friction within the family. Regardless of how you view the non-custodial adult, if an unwelcome adoption is even attempted, let alone attempted and failed, needless battle lines may have been drawn that even the child may resent.



• "Unfit" Parent?
  On the other hand, if your case involves an adult who can easily be shown to be unfit (criminal convictions, etc.), then it would be in the child's best interests to proceed. Is your case is clear enough? For stepparent or relative adoptions, the statute says that such an adult's rights can be terminated for significant --- and unjustified --- failure either ( 1 ) to make a good faith "attempt to communicate with that child in a meaningful, supportive, parental manner," or ( 2 ) "to provide for the care and support of that child as required by law or judicial decree." (The law requires biological parents to provide for children even if there is no specific child support order; so support "as required by law or judicial decree" means that general statutory duty, or a specific child support order.) In practice, a "significant" failure may not mean "not nearly enough." It may mean "hardly any." (Paying as little as 50% of ordered child support, for example, may truly be "not nearly enough," but a judge is not likely to find it to be a "significant" failure to pay if there is no other evidence of unfitness. And note that the termination standard is even higher for adoptions outside the blood family.)



• Judges May Unfairly Favor Birth Parents
  You may "know" that a birth parent is unfit, but the judge has a lot of leeway in how to view the evidence, and some judges are just afraid to terminate birth parents. We have had a birth mother fail a drug test in court on the day of the hearing, lie repeatedly under oath, and admit to having bipolar disorder on top of all that (which explained everything) --- but the judge ruled in her favor anyway. (And that judge is an adoptive parent!) Another birth father with a 12-page criminal record got to keep his parental rights. The difficulty here is that judges can "hide" behind the "best interests of the child" in refusing to terminate a horribly unfit birth parent, and a decision like that is virtually unreversible on appeal.



• Litigation Usually Isn't in Children's Best Interests
  Unfortunately, where there is bitter disagreement over the child's best interests, adoption is not likely to be the "solution" you are looking for; no matter how unfit the "parent," the judge may be too much of a chicken to terminate rights to the child. Consult the Note about contested adoptions on our Legal Steps page.



• Best Interests of the Children
  One final observation on stepparent adoptions: Some attorneys have been known to advise men not to adopt stepchildren because if they divorce the mother, they may have to pay child support. Well, that's true, ... but it IS in the children's best interests. Any stepparent with a permanent commitment to the marriage --- and to the child --- should have no hesitation proceeding with the adoption. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• Strengthen Your Family --- But What Is a "Relative"?
  Relative adoption is also quite common --- and the motivations of the children and parents involved may be similar to those found in stepparent adoption. But the definition of "relative" may be more narrow than you expect. In Georgia, a "relative" is defined as someone "who is related by blood or marriage to the child as a grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt, uncle, great aunt, great uncle, or sibling." O.C.G.A. §19-8-7(a). Cousins aren't "relatives" under this definition. But most adopted cousins will benefit from having extended families that they would not have in third-party adoptions between unrelated families.



• Don't Force It
  Here too, families need to be careful not to cause family rifts with overzealous adoption efforts. See the discussion above starting in "Unfit Parent?" under Stepparent Adoption, and also the Note about contested adoptions on our Legal Steps page. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )

• Is There Such a Thing?
  Yes, there is such a thing as Adult adoption. Any time the adoptee is over 18, it is an adult adoption, even if it is a stepchild. As with stepparent adoptions, the motivation is frequently simply making an existing emotional relationship into an official, legal one. But there are other good reasons: It realigns the adoptee's inheritance rights so as to inherit from the new parent(s), and many pursue it in order to make the adoptee a family member for purposes of insurance, pension, or public assistance benefits.



• Easier, Less Expensive
  Many adult adoptees are stepchildren. But the adult adoption procedure is less complicated. If the adoptee consents in writing, no consent is needed from the existing parents --- they need not even be notified. If a child to be adopted is approaching age 18, it may be worth waiting to qualify as an adult adoption. ( Discussion of Legal Fees )